Age Matters: How Children Grasp the Concept of Death.

When a grandparent, a pet, a sibling, or a classmate dies, parents/teachers often struggle to explain death to children–not an easy task. There are several children’s books written that address the subject (Dog Heaven; I Miss You; The Rabbit Listened).

As a retired Social Studies teacher, now a licensed funeral director in Missouri, toddlers/children often visit our funeral home. I’ve observed parents who allow their children to enter the parlor for visitation, and some who will seat the children in a lounge, instead.

Children’s comments vary: “Grandma went to heaven,” or  “Aunt Mary is asleep,” or “Grandpa was sick and he’s in a box in that room.” Very few ever say   “.....died.”  Why? Children comprehend death at different ages in childhood.

Dr. Earl Grollman (the late), a rabbi at Beth El Temple in Massachusetts, was a certified death educator and counselor, an expert in crisis intervention, and the author of numerous books on the subject of death and dying. He identified 4 “stages” in children’s understanding of death:

Birth to 3 Years: 

Due to limited cognitive abilities at this age, children basically have no comprehension of death.

Ages 3-5:

Death is “temporary,” or “gone to sleep,” or “gone away.”

Don’t understand the finality of death.

Tend to ask a lot of questions.

Ages 5-9:

Begin to understand that death is final and irreversible.

But that death may happen to someone else, not everyone, not them.

Often see death as a “person” - like the “bogeyman.” 

Ages 9+:

Now understand that death is final for everyone, including oneself.

Usually have a complete understanding of death.

For children, the concept of death is often based on the attitudes of family members (i.e., parents) as well as the child's experiences with dying and death (e.g., visiting a very ill grandparent in the hospital or watching the news about a school shooting).